Letter Written January 19, 2014
THANK YOU EVERYONE!
First of all, I want to thank each
and everyone of you who took time
out of your day to send me a private
message, text, voicemail or post a
comment on my facebook page as well
as those that sent flowers or cards.
I am simply overwhelmed by the
kindest shown to me and my family
during this horrific event in our
lives. In my previous post, I stated
that the only emotion I had was deep
and unyielding sadness. That sadness
still remains but that emotion has
been joined by a sense of comfort
and unconditional love due to the
overwhelming support we have
received from friends and family.
Yesterday we said
goodbye to Ryan at his memorial service
at a beautiful church in Yucca Valley.
In great moments of pain like this, your
mind considers a wide range of emotions.
There is regret from the past because
there are moments where you know you
could have done better as a
parent......but you now painfully
realize you will never get a chance to
make up for those shortcomings. There is
regret for the future because you know
there were so many more great memories
to be made that will now never happen.
In the end, you simply want more time to
say goodbye.
My mother was
diagnosed with Brain Cancer in January
of 2000 and lived another 10 months
before her passing. In the months after
her passing, I had time to tell her how
I felt. I had time to make up for past
shortcomings I had as a son. I had time
to video tape her so that my young
sisters children and future children
would have a way to see and know their
grandmother.
We had time to right
some wrongs......apologize and
forgive.......hug and cry......before we
had to say goodbye. This extra time was
of great benefit to my siblings and my
father but it came with a price. That
price was that my mother had to suffer
through a biopsy that left her paralyzed
on her right side. 33 rounds of
Radiation caused her brain to swell
which ultimately led to grand mal
seizures. Many rounds of Chemo made her
sick as I have ever seen her and none of
it worked. None of it helped..... it
simply made the last 10 months of her
life a living hell.
In my sons case, the
exact opposite occurred. Ryan passed
away in his sleep and never woke up
again.......he never suffered like my
mother and I am eternally grateful for
that. But because he was taken so
quickly and so suddenly, his family and
friends are now suffering because we had
so much left to say to him and never got
that opportunity.
Saying
Goodbye without knowing it
However, this last
Christmas Ryan drove down with his
sisters, Jennifer and Jessica, to San
Diego so that the entire Matson Family
could be together and magic happened. I
have relived that day and have found
great comfort and peace in those last
moments we spent together. In reflection
of our comments to Ryan and his comments
to us, it was as if we were all saying
goodbye but we did not know it.
Our Last Time
Together: Christmas
At Christmas, I spent
a good deal of time talking to Ryan
about his job and his increased
responsibilities at the Stater Brothers
store he worked at. He shared his
successes and the praise he had received
from management. Ryan was never late to
work and always willing to take
someone's shift in a moments notice
which is a “dream employee” to a store
manager.
I told him how proud
I was of him several times throughout
the day for various reasons. At one
point we were reminiscing about all of
the attention the twins got when they
were younger. I told him, “Son you are
the best big brother ever to have put up
with all of the attention usually going
to your little sisters.” He simply
smiled. He never once complained about
it. I think it is because he loved them
so much that he saw what other saw too
and it was ok that people marveled at
the twins because he did too.
Another beautiful
moment occurred about 1 hour later when
it came time for Ryan’s young cousins to
open presents. We all gathered around in
the family room of my little sister’s
house for the big moment. I was sitting
on a couch that was near the Christmas
Tree where Ryan was also sitting to my
right. Across from us were his twin
sisters sitting at the end of a couch
near the dining area on the opposite
side of the room. I noticed Ryan looking
at Jessica and Jennifer and watched
Jessica look up to catch her brothers
gaze in her direction. Jessica said,
“What are you looking at bub?” Ryan
quickly replied, “At how beautiful my
sisters are.” It was so sweet and so
genuine. It was so Ryan.
My final hug
and chance to say I love you
At the end of our day
together, we all gathered out by our
cars to say goodbye. Ryan had planned to
drive down by himself and stay the night
and hang out with his grandpa and I but
he and his sisters decided to ride
together and go back to Yucca Valley at
the end of the night instead of Ryan
staying with me. Before he left, I
hugged him and told him, “I am proud of
you son and I love you.” Little did I
know that was the last time I would have
a chance to put my arms around him and
tell him those words.......but I am so
glad I did.
In retrospect, I am
saddened that Ryan did not stay
overnight with me so that we could have
had that extra time together now knowing
he would be gone a few weeks later.
However, what happened on my children’s
drive home from San Diego makes me
believe it was God’s hand giving my
daughters a chance to say goodbye to
their big brother.
As they drove home,
my girls started crying and told Ryan he
was the best big brother ever. They told
him that he had the sweetest and kindest
heart and to never let anyone change him
and who he was. The girls told me that
Ryan became concerned for his sisters
because of how emotional they were and
simply rubbed their shoulders and told
them he loved them and promised he would
do as they asked.
So, in the end my
Twins needed that moment with their
brother more than I needed another few
days with him. That time in the car has
been Gods saving grace as my daughters
were forced to accept Ryan’s passing. If
you look for Gods mercy........you can
find it all around you, even in the face
of such tragedy and heartache. If you
look for the beauty........it comes
through in brilliant colors, shapes and
sizes that you had never noticed before.
My daughters and Kathy have been amazing
all week. They have been able to see the
beauty in my sons passing and have
refused to focus on anything other than
their love for Ryan. Watching their
strength and love for each other and for
me is another gift my son gave all of
us.
In these moments of
pain, I found myself considering some
profound questions. Such as, what will
people say at my sons memorial service
and then I wondered, what will people
say when it is my time to go?
I found out very
quickly what other people thought of my
son as they started entering the church.
One by one, I was hugged with such
affection and given love by people most
of whom I had never met who said they
felt like they knew me because my son
talked so often about me and his other
family members.
They would just walk
right up to me and start crying and
pouring their hearts out to me.
Many shared stories of how Ryan came to
their emotional rescue or stories of how
he whipped everyone in horseshoe
tournaments or how he loved his co
workers and some of the things he did at
work that they fondly remembered. These
stories, one by one, lifted my spirits
and breathed life back into me.
During the ceremony
people got up and wanted to tell stories
of Ryan and how he had impacted their
lives for the better. One young woman
shared how she was in a very dark place
emotionally 7 years ago and described in
great detail how Ryan came to her
emotional rescue and was there for her
whenever she needed help. In tears she
told of one time when her and her best
friend had been dumped right before
Valentines day. She shared how
devastated she was and that when Ryan
found out he showed up on each of their
doorsteps with a Dozen Roses for each of
them and then took them both out to
dinner.
I had never heard
this story because Ryan did these kinds
of things without telling other people.
They say that to truly give a gift to
others, you can not expect anything in
return. Yesterday, I heard many stories
of my child giving without expecting or
asking for anything in return. The joy
and comfort these stories gave my family
and I will never be forgotten.
In the end, it was a
remarkable day perfectly blended with
beauty and love, sorrow and laughter,
reflection of a life well lived and the
promised hope of seeing my son again
when this life is over.
Horseshoe
Tournament in honor of Ryan
After the Memorial
Service, we went back to Ryan’s mothers
house where many of Ryan’s Yucca Valley
friends and family gathered to celebrate
his life. We held a horshoe tournament
in his honor. Kathy pulled out an old
Tournament Board that showed Ryan and
his partner had won it. He bragged about
that day for about 1 year straight. He
loved his Yucca Valley family of
friends. They are simply great, real,
down to earth people.......which are my
kind of people.
We ate great
food.....enjoyed some well needed liquid
refreshments, gathered around and did
toasts to Ryan and we were finally able
to breathe. As my son looked down on the
days proceedings, I knew he had to have
been so overwhelmed with the outpouring
of love that occurred throughout the
day. It was a tremendous celebration of
his life and I am grateful to everyone
in my family and kathy’s family that
helped us pull this off. It was a
beautiful day!
As I drove home last
night, reflecting on the day, I thought
about my sons legacy and ways I could
keep his memory alive......which I
intend to do with great passion. Then, I
thought about my legacy and what people
would say when I go. I reflected on my
concern of how many people from Yucca
Valley would show up for the memorial
service and how many people would have
loved Ryan enough to come. Since I am
who I am, I did not invite any of my
friends. So, I did not know what to
expect.
Funerals are
hard......they are not fun.......and I
personally would rather be anywhere but
at a funeral. So, I was amazed as slowly
buy steadily every pew in the church had
people in it. We had hoped we would have
enough people to fill half of the seats
but were really touched to see the
church was full. As I drove home, I had
a strange question pop in my head. I
found myself considering my own
mortality and if the life I have led
would lead to a full church of loved
ones like my son or would there be many
empty pews.
In that question,
lies one of the gifts my son left me.
The gift is knowing I can do better.
That I can love more.....and be slower
to anger. I can forgive so much quicker
instead of holding on to past insults
and injuries from others. I can think of
others first.......and know that my God
will be there for me as he is now in my
time of need. The gift my son gave me
has been in front of me for 29 years.
While I saw glimpses of it, I could not
see it as clearly as I do now. Due to
his death, his gift to me has became so
evident and clear. That gift is that my
son gave me a template of how to live,
how to love and how to be more like him
and a lot less like me. To find peace in
chaos......and find hope that others can
not see and calmly lead them to it!
In the end, life is a
test. A test we are taking without
knowing it. The question is are we
minimizing our weaknesses and
progressing with our strengths? Or are
we stagnant and learning nothing? Are we
a better person today than we were 1
year ago, 5 years ago or 10 years
ago........or are we making the same
mistakes?
I will do my best to
honor his gift to me and I hope that
gift will become evident to others in my
family as well as my friends. I want to
thank you all again for simply caring
enough to let me know you do.
In closing, I want to
ask a couple more favors of each of you.
When you see me in person, simply give
me a hug if you want to. I am still in
no position to discuss what has
transpired and to tell you the truth I
hope my posts on Facebook will provide
enough insights into what happened that
I have answered any and all questions
about his passing.
In the end, I don’t
want to discuss it ........it simply
is too painful and too personal. So,
there is no need to feel sorry for me or
my family even though I know it is
completely normal and loving to do so.
Just keep sending me your love and
prayers.......trust me I feel them. That
is all I need. By taking a moment to
send me a note, text or phone call, I
know I am loved and by whom I am loved.
I simply couldn’t ask for more!
I love each of you
who I consider “MY ANGELS” and look
forward to those hugs!